I am sitting here watching survivor, the heroes vs the villians. I think it would be great if those in our lives were so easily categorized! Wouldn't it be great to have an outside voice determine which camp you fell into. Or do we already have that just no one talks about it. I have been reading a lot about personal accountability and working on my own accountability. I have also been working with an executive coach about my leadership style. I have been categorized as an accommodator. Of which I agree. I have been an accomodator my whole life. That is what this journey through my leadership style is teaching me. It is also teaching me to stand up and be counted...even when it feels uncomfortable.
I have had so much tragedy and pain in my life that I feel that some things are just not worth fighting for and titles and hierarchy do not impress me! But in a world where those things matter, where do I fit and stay within myself? In order to be a leader and be accountable to those who really matter I need to be accountable to myself and that is hard because I do not want to seem weak or uncaring but I first and foremost want to be safe.
I retreat from situations where I do not feel respected. I spent 13 years of marriage being part of something that was not valued and more importantly have spent everyday, since I left with only the clothes on my back, having the man I married threaten and degrade me as much as possible. Even to my own sons.
Through that experience I realized that safety and peace of mind is the most important thing to me. It had to be for my personal safety. How does that translate to my work when I am surrounded by people who value conflict and any sign of compromise is viewed as weakeness. With that said I know I don't want to have to fight all the time and I don't believe the ends justify the means. So what is the problem? I guess I need a paycheck as a single mom! I must be first accountable to my children and their future, as my father always told me, even when I left all I had built up in 13 years of marriage, was that if I do right by my children...I will always do right.
